How The Pursuer-Distancer Pattern Can Destroy Your Marriage | HuffPost Life
The Weird Imbalance of Relationships The big sister manages social life for her little brother and he doesn't learn to make friends on his own. marriage, psychology, pursuer-distancer. dance of anger, relationships. No relationship was found between attachment style or pursuer-distancer pattern . Pursuer-distancer Patterns and Relationship .. This pattern is a sister. In most relationships, one partner has more desire for closeness, while the other has more need for distance. If you are part of a couple, which.
But as the chat progresses, you notice that your conversation partner has inched towards you until they are standing uncomfortably close.
The Pursuer-Distancer Dynamic
What do you do? Most people, without even thinking about it, would back away. You can probably imagine the absurdity of this, as it could easily result in the other person appearing to chase you around the room in an awkward, unspoken dance. The result of this is that the first person the pursuer feels abandoned and the second the distancer feels smothered.
And what most of those people mean, and are explaining in the best way they know how, is that they are stuck in a pursuer-distancer dynamic. Emotional Bids In The Relationship CureJohn Gottman outlines a finding from his research about how people in relationships seek connection.
Gottman says that we all make emotional bids — or asks — every single day. Regardless of the content of the bid, there are three ways for your partner to respond: This is a complete lack of responsiveness or acknowledgement. I think this is surprising! Knowing what we now know about bids, think about the experience of the pursuer. In this new language, we can now say that a pursuer is making emotional bid after emotional bid, and the distancer is repeatedly turning away.
And as we just discussed, because turning away is the most painful response, this couple is at high risk for separation.
Empathy for the pursuer-distancer dynamic Another master of relationships is a researcher and therapist named Sue Johnson. Unfortunately, many a partner does not recognize this pattern, until the relationship is distored and out of whack. The handyman husband resents taking care of all the household details without realizing that be being so efficient, he has enabled his wife to become dependent and helpless at household stuff.
The Pursuer-Distancer Dynamic - Through the Woods Therapy Center
The great billpayer and accountant in the family has enabled the others to rely on her resources without learning to be responsible financially. The big sister manages social life for her little brother and he doesn't learn to make friends on his own.
The more they stay in these positions, the more glued to them they get. Rather than end up in a position of difficulty, one person needs to back off, so the other can grow into the gap.
The Weird Imbalance of Relationships | pugliablog.info
The anger will dissipate as the balance improves. Meanwhile, Jake resorts to his classic distancer strategy — perhaps stonewalling her attempts to communicate.
As Kara continues to express more disappointment in Jake, he further withdraws. Repair work is all about expressing your intent in a positive way and taking responsibility for your part in it. In her landmark study of 1, divorced individuals for over thirty years, she found that couples who adopted this pattern were at the highest risk for divorce.
Pursuer-Distancer Relationship: How To Break The Dynamic
Commonly, the wife will get tired of pursuing and the husband will grow weary or get angered about what he perceives as his wives constant nagging.
Accept that the pattern exists and needs to be corrected to improve the long-term stability of your relationship. Writing in a journal or dialoguing with a close friend or trusted therapist can be highly beneficial.