“The Spark” is one of the most elusive and contentious issues when it comes to the The relationship didn't go anywhere because, well, there was no spark. The rose-coloured lens of the spark may start a relationship sure. Countless couples complain of losing the “spark” in their relationship. .. Maybe he thinks I'm too needy so he's starting to back off a little. We're okay but I feel. Is it foolish to date where there is no 'spark,' hoping that will come with time? (In my experience, it has never grown, if not there to begin with).
They are often ways of protecting ourselves from sustained closeness. They often serve to shatter our self-esteem and push our partners away.
They also tend to have a deadening effect on our relationship, weakening our confidence and vitality. Failing to share activities — Early on in our relationships, we are often our most open, excited to try new things and share new adventures. As we fall into routine, we often resist novel experiences. We become more cynical, skeptical, and less willing to do things with our partners. Consistently doing things that your partner perceives as loving will also help keep the spark alive.
Less personal relating — When you do take the time to relate to your partner, do you still talk about anything meaningful? Have conversations become more practical or less friendly?
In doing so, we really get to know them. We feel for them as people, independently from ourselves. This helps us to stay close to each other on a real level as opposed to out of obligation. It helps us to form and strengthen a friendship that allows us to be less critical when giving feedback and less defensive when receiving it.
All of these efforts nourish our loving feelings, overthrowing cynicism and upholding our attractions.
In Romantic Relationships, You’re Either A Spark-Chaser Or A Long Burner
Harboring anger — When we are with someone for a long time, we tend to catalog their negative traits and build a case against them that leads us to feel cynical.
Are you acting this out in subtle ways? Dealing with problems directly from a mature and open stance will save you from stifling your feelings of compassion and love. Honest communication can be tough, but it helps you to truly know your partner, rather than seeing him or her through a negative or critical lens.
When we get into the habit of swallowing our feelings and turning against our partner rather than stating how we feel, we are skating on thin ice.
Even when we start to feel close, we will often be quick to become critical the minute our partner does something that rubs us the wrong way. When we feel free to directly say the things that annoy or anger us, we are better able to let them go.
The more we develop our ability to do this, the more emotionally close we feel to our partners. The advantage of voicing your thoughts is that you stop viewing your partner through a fog of cynicism. When we face the degree to which each of us acts out the above patterns, we can start to challenge them. When we fail to do this, our emotional connection to a person can fade, and all we are left with is the form that makes up a fantasy bond.
Reigniting our relationships can be as simple as carrying out those small, caring acts that make our partners feel acknowledged and loved for who they are.
Taking steps each day to counter these habitual patterns leads us down a path that is much more fulfilling, much braver, and much more real. An accomplished and much requested lecturer, Dr. Firestone speaks at national and international conferences in the areas of couple relations, parenting, and suicide and violence prevention. I was poly for about four years, and have been in a monogamous relationship for over two years.
It started after being burned out on a decade of serial monogamy.
Being poly taught me that all those years, I was essentially monogamous for the wrong reasons. This is not enough of a reason. I knew I was ready to give it up when I found someone who felt like three or four men put together. He was enough, and then some. True monogamists are not afraid of the lack of spark or butterflies; that wonderful but ultimately transient and even shallow feeling of being in a state of love.
ADULTS know that the in-love part fades, then ebbs and flows with work, attention and active caring over the years. It may take months to fade, or it may take years.
But it is the obvious eventual side effect of the very familiarity you seek. I say shallow because everyone eventually has had that feeling — and strongly — for a person they know they have no business dating.
Why the Spark Fades in a Relationship
That goal is ultimately antithetical to romance by nature; a fact that successful monogamists use as a starting point; they do not hide from it, nor do they leave it alone and hope it will spark itself from time to time without any work.
The trick is to find out which one you are, and be that. If you are that person who has ended a long-term relationship over not feeling the magic, then you owe it to yourself and others to become a polyamorist. There is no in-between.