Meet the Fockers - Wikiquote
Robert De Niro and Ben Stiller in Meet the Parents () Greg meets Jack Robert Jack Byrnes: I will be watching you and if I find that you are trying to corrupt my first . Jack Byrnes: You tried to milk him, didn't you you sick son of a bitch?. Meet the Fockers is a comedy film and a sequel to Meet the Parents But, like studying a frozen caveman, if I can see where you came from, I'll have Yes, Little Jack wouldn't stop crying so I gave him some hugs and I let him watch TV. Meet The Parents Script taken from a transcript of the screenplay and/or the Ben Stiller movie. televisions, you name it. So no matter where you go, we'll be watching you. I'll meet you at the Oyster Bay Drugstore in about minutes. Now you.
Dialogue[ edit ] Judge Ira: Oh, honey, he was trying to save his pet. I mean, what if it was Jinxy who got flushed into a toilet? Jinx has had extensive aquatic training. He would have known exactly what to do in the event of a submersion. Jinx purrs] Jack Byrnes: This is the sign for poop!
Well, what's the sign for sour milk, because this, uh, tastes a little funky. That's because that's from Debbie's left breast, Greg. Greg, a man reaches a certain age when he realizes what's truly important.
Do you know what that is? If your family's circle joins in my family's circle, they'll form a chain. I can't have a chink in my chain.
I don't care if they did call you Larry Poppins. You are completely unfit to handle a child. It was Barry Poppins. What kind of a sick cocktail were you going to make my grandson? Jack, the baby's teething. I told Greg to give him some rum to ease the pain. It was your idea?
What is wrong with you people?! I used to rub bourbon on Denny's gums. Look what happened to him. It's cold out, honey. Here, take Denny's jacket. Hey, Denny, I'm lending Greg your jacket, okay? Denny, how's the tux fit? Dad, uh-- What's that?
I-It's a sculpture I found in Greg's jacket. This isn't a sculpture, Denny. This is a device for smoking marijuana. I like the top hat. Can I talk to you for a minute?
Did I not clearly explain the circle of trust to you, Greg? Mm, yeah, I think I got it. Then is there something you wanna tell me? Mm, l-l don't think so.
Didn't we have a discussion yesterday in the car about this? You mean me and Pam. Yes, I would love to talk to you about that. We're not talking about Pam. We're talking about you.
See, if I can't trust you, Greg, then I have no choice And once you're out, you're out. There's no coming back. Mm, well, I would definitely like to stay inside the circle. Well, then, tell me the truth. Jack, I don't know what we're talking about.
All right, now look, Focker, I'm a patient man. That's what months in a Vietnamese prison camp will do to you. But I will be watching you, studying your every move.
And if I find that you are trying to corrupt my firstborn child, I will bring you down, baby. I will bring you down to Chinatown. I thought we were going to Kevin's house. This is Kevin's new house. Oh, this is a crazy house. Not bad, huh, Dad? Maybe he uses marijuana for medicinal purposes. People do that nowadays. Honey, this kid has been lying to us from the moment we met him. Get in some quality time with the boys? Uh-huh, yeah, it was fun. Listen, I hope this lunch isn't too weird for you.
Q at Best Man's" be weird? I was sure I told you. Kevin is Bob's best man. This is his place. How does he know Bob? I was really lucky I was able to salvage this wood Kevin, the house is amazing. This is where Maybe you should have gotten married here. All right, the sun is out, the grill is hot and the pool is luke. If I can interest you in a swim and a little B. Q, just follow me. It must cost a fortune to heat this place. I don't know why I thought you knew.
It-- It's not a big deal.
Meet the Parents () - Robert De Niro as Jack Byrnes - IMDb
If I can handle a weekend without sex and cigarettes, I think I can handle an afternoon with your ex-fianc? Now, for the floor that you're walking on, I chose this Bolivian wormwood. I think it works well in here. I have the Viking range here and the twin Sub-Z's. Yeah, they open up right there. Oh, I get it. Yeah, kind of blend in.
Are you a homeowner, Greg? No, no, I rent. So, things are going real, real well for you, aren't they, eh, Kevo? Gosh, things have been going so great lately.
I got in early on some wireless I. What line of work are you in? There are a lot of Benjamins to be made now with biotech stuff. I don't have to tell you that. You gotta strike while the iron's hot.
That's great to give something back like that. I'd love to find time to do volunteer work. Just the other day I saw this golden retriever that-- He had like a gimp, and he couldn't really-- It made me feel terrible. I wish there was something I could do. Yeah, well, I get paid, but also it feels, you know, good too. So it's kind of an everybody wins. What are you-- You're like a Wall Street trader? I mean, I'm willing to be painted with that brush.
Yes, that's my day job. We got time, don't we, Jack? I want to show you what I'm really interested in. It looks like somebody got an "A" in wood shop. I whittled that out of beech wood. So what got you into, uh, "carpentering"? He was a carpenter, and I just figured if you're gonna follow in someone's footsteps, who better than Christ? You're in good company. Well, I'm gonna head to the pool, but why don't you show Greg and Pam the gift?
I put a fresh coat of lacquer on this this morning, so bear with me with the fumes. The little holes are for candles. And then later, they'll collect rainfall.
Or you might call it a "ho-puh. I'm gonna take it over to the Byrneses', and tomorrow Robert and Debra will meet beneath it to become man and wife. And later, when they purchase a home, maybe it will grace their garden. Well, that's my sappy, romantic idea. No, not too bad. Which isn't bad, considering I carved it all by hand from one piece of wood. Time to start the barbecue, big guy.
I better get back to playing host. Okay, you guys, grab your suits, and I'll meet you down at the pool. I don't even have a suit with me. The airline lost my bag and-- [Jack] Pamcake, let's go. Mom's got your suit here. You better get going. And, by the way, she just had the nicest things to say about you.
Yeah, we had some good times together. Boy, she is a tomcat. So, let me hook you up with some trunks, Gregger. I'm not gonna swim. I'm not taking no for an answer. What's it gonna be? Ah-- How 'bout a little of both, K-Dog? I think they call that "the munchies. Hit the ball, Kev! Show 'em what you got! You gotta rush the net on defense. Don't be afraid of the ball. Greg is afraid of the ball. We're gettin' cold in here.
If Florence Nightingale over here would play defense. Larry, keep floatin' where you are. Denny, take the deep shots. Greg, nobody's expecting much out of you. I'd have to be pretty high, but yeah. I bet you would, Panama Red. You gotta spike those, Focker! You gotta spike those! Fire it up there, Focker! It's only a game, Focker! Deb, you can totally see Voit backwards on your forehead. Go over the song selection with Bob. Are you a Mr. You go through it, make sure it's all there?
I just wanna make sure you're okay since hitting the spike heard 'round the world. I'm really sorry about that. I don't know what got into me, Iceman. Is that a special thing Stop it. Top Gun was a very popular movie when Kevin and I dated. Do you want to be Maverick?
Is that what this is all about? I can't be Maverick. He used to be, but we can change that. Um, can he be Goose? No, because Goose dies in the end. Honey, I don't really-- Greg, shut up. Jesus, Dad, you ever think of knocking? Not in my own den.
What are you two doing in here? I'd say rounding - This is Greg's room, Dad. We're gonna use it for storage. Greg will stay in Debbie's room, and she'll bunk up with you tonight. I'll be right up.
They found your suitcase. Hey, Jack, I don't quite know what happened back at the tux shop, but if I've given you the wrong impression regarding Pam in any way, I'm sorry. I have nothing but the best intentions with Pam, and I-I just-- Actually, there's something in the suitcase here that I'm planning on giving her Did you flush this toilet?
Maybe Jinx flushed it. I saw little Jinxy come in last night, and he took a little squat and relieved himself. Jinx knows not to use that toilet, and even if he did, he'd never flush it.
You're really on a roll there, bud. In hours, I'm having a wedding here, so I need my cesspool pumped now! That smell, Bob, is our shit. Focker flushed the toilet in the den, so the septic tank is overflowing. Jack, I told you. Focker, I'm not gonna tell you again! Jinx cannot flush the toilet. He's a cat, for chris sakes!
The animal doesn't even have thumbs, Focker. Over by the tree, right? Not on the lawn! Stay where you are. I got my mojo workin' Just won't work on you I got my mojo workin' Just won't work on you Oh-- I know that's what I said I wanted, 'cause that's what I wanted.
It is a black Samsonite suitcase. What I'm saying is, do you think it's possible that the Samsonite people, in some crazy little scheme to actually turn a profit, made more than one? I am going to need your baggage claim number again. Could I talk to your supervisor? When he gets back, have him give me a call right away.
It's a very important bag. I'm sure it is, sir. Don't ask me what it's for.
I need you to do this thing. Please, I'm in a time situation here, so just do it. So the name's "Greg Focker"? Greg didn't ace his med school boards. He never even took the goddamn MCATs. Oh, Jack, that's what you had your sources check out?
What this poor boy did on some test scores? I bet he doesn't even have a real nursing degree. A lot of these hospital workers are just pill poppers looking for easy access to ludes. We already know that he's been puffin' the magic dragon. I knew the little crack was lying.
Come here, little Jinxy. He did not lie to me, Dad. He lied to you when I thought you should know the truth. I love you too much to see you get hurt. I don't care what your information says, Dad. Greg took the MCATs. All right, stand back. Somebody call right away! We checked every yard, every car on the street. He's not up in any of the trees, Jack. We checked all the bedrooms. Jinx isn't up here.
Yeah, none of the neighbors have seen him either. You tried to milk him, didn't you, you sick son of a bitch! Honey, please calm down. How can I calm down What do you mean, "the ring bearer"? Your daddy didn't tell you? He taught Jinx to walk down the aisle with this little pillow. No, you didn't, Dad. You put this around the neck, and these ribbons are for the rings.
Oh, for Chris sakes! Yeah, but now we have to postpone the rehearsal. Bob, you ride with me. Larry, you come with your car. We're gonna canvass the neighborhood. Dee, ask O'Boyle to wait. If we're not back in an hour, we'll reschedule the rehearsal for the morning. We cannot cancel the rehearsal for some stupid cat! How could you say that? That cat's been like a brother to you!
We're supposed to let him wander the streets without food, water or toilet? You're gonna fill in as the ring bearer for now. I'm not wearin' that stupid pillow thing on my head.
Meet The Parents Script - transcript from the screenplay and/or Ben Stiller movie
You just go and wander the streets without food, water or toilet? They brought in a Himalayan a little while ago. Uh, no, let me see that photo again. You gotta picture him without that stupid Santa cap. You see, in the picture, your cat has an all-black tail.
And this one has a white tip. No, I'm sorry about that, chief. Looks just like him. Except for that tail. Robert Banks-- Dearly beloved, we are gathered here on this beautiful day Robert Banks and Debra Byrnes in holy matrimony. This is a special day-- He found him! Look, Dad, it's Jinx. Oh, my little baby! Greg, thank you so much. This is so great.
Gave us a little scare, huh? Oh For once in my life I got someone who needs me To Greg. He's in the restroom. Yes, I tried there. I've tried every shelter on the north shore, okay? He's a brown-and-black Himalayan with an all-black tail. I'll call you back. Had to pay a little visit to the urinal fairy.
I'm just glad I could help out. We never did get to finish that little "convo" back at the den. So, when you have a minute, there is still something I'd like to talk to you about. We'll get right to it as soon as we get back. You have my word. I'm gonna hold you to that. Guess who's back in the circle of trust. Maybe I should ask him to dance.
What do you think? I bet he could, uh, whittle a private little dance floor for the two of you. I saw some beech wood outside. I shouldn't paint him with that brush, but-- Come on.
Part of you wishes you ended up with him. Yes, he's very talented, but it would've never worked out. I was never in love with Kevin. I'm in love with you. That's a good explanation. Thought you'd like that. I called you like half an hour ago. Okay, I already-- I already described it.
Uh, it's, uh-- It's brown It's Hank MacAtee from next door. You'll never guess who wandered over here this afternoon. Yeah, he's not wearing his collar, but, uh, I'm sure it's Jinxy.
Thought you might be worried, so just give me a jingle when you guys get home, and I'll bring the little rascal over. Okay, well, if you could just keep checking, please, and I'll call you back later. No, they're still looking. Hey, Jack, this is a great party. I guess sometimes these things sort of come together in their own kooky sort of way.
Yeah, it's kind of like the way you found Jinxy. You know, there's something about that ball of fur You haven't seen any of his latest tricks, have you? Well, when we get back, I'll show you. We don't have to do it tonight. He's had a long day. I wouldn't want to-- No, I think he'd like to show you tonight. Why don't you give me the key and let me drive? Why don't I drive? It's a very expensive car. I've always wanted to test-drive a Benz.
Be my guest, Focker.
Robert De Niro: Jack Byrnes
Get in the car, honey. Get your seat belts on. Focker, Benz drives like a dream, Lar. Yeah, just trying to make good time. What the heck is the matter with you? We're gonna be home. We're gonna get home. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! It's not the autobahn. You were supposed to make that left at the light, Focker. Who gave him the keys?
Yeah, we've had enough excitement. It was the cat! Jinx, I'm gonna-- - [Shrieking] - Calm down! Cat got out, Jack! Greg, what's he talking about?MEET IZ*ONE's FAMILY!
Hank MacAtee called me a couple of hours ago and told me he found Jinxy. He took his collar and put it on an impostor. Then he spray-painted his tail, and then he tried to beat us back here Please tell me that's not true, Greg.
It was just a temporary solution until I could find the real Jinx. That you set Kevin's altar on fire? Well, it wasn't intentional. I was chasing Jinx up onto the roof. I had a smoke, and I think I might have lit something that-- I don't know what happened. He put so much goddamn lacquer on that thing. It was an accident waiting to happen. This is very disappointing, Greg. Get out of my house, Focker, and take your friend with you. So you lied to me about everything, huh, Greg? You lied about the cat, about the fire, about the MCATs.
I didn't lie about the MCATs. Don't you see what's happening here? You did that to yourself. You didn't like me from the second I walked in here.
I'm a very accepting person, Focker. All I ask for is honesty. You wanna talk about truth and honesty, Jack? Okay, let's talk a little truth and honesty.
Let's talk a little "Operation Ko Samui," Jack. What's he talking about, Dad? Yeah, that's weird, 'cause I thought there weren't any secrets I don't know what you're talking about. Cat got your tongue? Then shut your pie hole Sir, we have a policy on this airline that if a bag is this large, we— Greg: Get your grubby little paws off of my bag, okay?
It's not like I have a bomb in here. It's not like I want to blow up the plane. I wanna stow my bag according to your safety regulations. If you would take a second All I wanna do is hold onto my bag and not listen to you! The only way that I would ever let go of my bag would be if you came over here now If you can get it from my kung fu grip, then you can have it.
Otherwise, step off, bitch. I have a plane full of people telling me you threatened that stewardess. I was not threatening her, I was just trying to get my bag in the overhead storage thing. Norm the Security Guard: You were acting like a maniac and then you threaten her with a bomb.
No, I said I didn't have a bomb. I said it's not like I had a bomb on an airplane. You said bomb on an airplane. What's wrong with saying bomb on an airplane? You can't say bomb on an airplane. A co-worker of Norm's comes in. We've got a specialist. How'd you get here? I didn't do anything, Jack. Well, then tell these guys that I'm not a terrorist. I'm not gonna tell anybody anything until you answer some questions.
Unless you want to spend the next couple of years of your life in prison, you better goddamn well tell me the truth. Did you do this?
Just answer the questions. Did you have me taken off of that airplane? Just answer the question. Put your hands over there. You're sick, you know that?
Is your name Gaylord Focker? Are you a male nurse? Are you a pothead?
Have you ever smoked pot? And you did that because you were desperately seeking my approval? Because you love my daughter Pam?
Do you wanna marry her?